Gonna get my beach bod

I have to be a big delusional asshole thinking I can get a beach bod this late in the game. Theres always that one guy in every friend group thinking a few more curls and I'll look to good the one time I take my shirt off in public this summer. It's peak summer but guess what? I'm gonna get that beach bod for sure, even do I should already have it. The way I am going to do so is by taking back my Bread stance  low carb it and by eating right according to this video I can. 

Can't go wrong with grilled lettuce. I don't care if the statue of limitations are long gone but some one call Child Protective Services this man ate grilled lettuce growing up, or his feeding his kids grilled lettuce. And if we got the phone out and making calls some one call the cops on his barber for killing his hair line Geez. Got an Egg head too. 

There's not even real grill marks on that thing so he just heated up some leafy greens. 

grilled lettuce = warm lettuce

Which in other words disgusting.  the only time its acceptable to eat warm lettuce is never, and maybe when you are at one of those summer barbecues that you been going to, and it's like 9:30 yous ate at let's say 3:30. Your hungry you see the left over stuff in the garage a million flies definitely landed on that table. But you didn't see it happen so it didn't happen. The condiments are in some cooler filled with pop and booze but you're to lazy to go and look for them. So you grab a napkin or plate what ever's left toss a bun on said eating vessel. Grab that outdoor temp burger, start chewing. You're thinking. This is terrible, Why did I even do this?  You see the gross left out in the hot garage, no ice tray underneath, or if there was its all lukewarm water now.  Super soft pickles, onions and lettuce, which are all bad. And you start thinking this won't be as bad if I throw something else on it to break up the bland disgusting flavor. So you throw the warm lettuce on that very sad burger. Realize that did not do much take if that 1-2 more bites and throw it away in the alley garbage can. [ unless you are my fat/feel bad for wasting food ass and eat the rest of it]. You then move on with life, and that is the only time you eat "grilled" aka warm lettuce in life. 

And everyone saying Kevin came out of the bar only to me Gordan Ramsey. Naw that man came out for help like rescue me help. Surprised the man didn't bring a drink from the bar with a coaster underneath with a written message of Help me Chef on it. I'm just saying after Kevin got beckoned over by the owner. We never saw Kev again probably got locked in the basement hands above his head cuffed to a pip style. RIP KEV