The Poop Walk

So I've been sitting on a dark secret for almost a year and some change now. It's not a pretty story but it's a story.  It's my poop walk. I’m taking my brand of shitty blogger aka bad writing and sentence structure and covering it up by saying i run a shitty blog as a brand on purpose, when in reality I just don’t reread hat I write. I had no idea when I would  publish this but this seems like it's the perfect time with everything going on to do so.....  

April 4th, 2020 the very earlier days of quarantine and world ending. So early its when we thought it’s just another free week of spring break. So early we didn’t even have to wear masks yet. If yous can’t tell I’m stalling so let’s get to the story. 

I’m gonna let yous in on a little secret I don’t think I ever said it but I live in Midway. Was getting into the walking kick just like everyone else. Was like gonna see how accurate the iPhone health app is and one wall/side of the airport is a mile long. So that morning I told myself "let's change up the route and do an Airport mile." So I got my little headphones in got what ever podcast or music I wanted going. I'm feeling good sky is a little grey just how I like it. I'm moving and grooving I make my way to Central and start going up it. Until "BLEEEEUURRRHH" I feel it something happens. I start to get bubble gut.

 My breakfast starts to not agree with me. The toast, the sausage, the mountain of eggs cooked in the sausage grease ain't sitting right. Or it could have been the late night cheez-its. It don't matter what ever it was that I ate. Was constipated and the walking must of loosen it, and all I knew was it was coming out and I was pretty much stranded. Just a bunch of random houses, a closed bar, and no field house park where I am at. And where I was located was pretty much the middle. If it was non covid times I would of turned around from where I was at and went to the persons house that I knew was close by. But since they were old people and children the most vulnerable age demigraphic with covid.  I had to keep going and try and make it home.  

I eventually make it to 63rd and its getting bad, to worse too terrible. I couldn't see my face but I just know there is a face of panic on there. And all I'm thinking is " O'h Crap.. Oh Crap... Oh crap that's whats gonna be in my pants in a few seconds if I don't make it home soon, just a little mooooorrr....."   I go from it's going to be okay to. Put you hand on your butt and thumb up your ass to plug the hole cuz it's coming. The class is broken, the big red buttons been hit it's full on panic mode.

" I'm not gonna make it home, and I'm not walking the last couple of blocks with shitty boxers. 

So I start to try and hit up local business either getting locked doors, closed signs, not open, will be back in 5 minutes, and no way  I’m pooping at a family dollar. So I’m like hustle hustle hustle.  Boom there a Dunkin that's got to be open, it is. I rush in only to be met with a sign that Said: Do to the possible spread of Covid no one besides employees are allowed past the counter. And of course where is the bathroom behind the counter. I don't even beg I'm out of there, run out of there like a complete psycho. I know where the bathroom is in Walgreens I'll just go there, but each step I feel its coming. No way I'm gonna make it that 2-3 more blocks. Till I'm in front of it.  Lena's Pizza 

and the place is open, throw the door open walk right up to the counter. Thinking " Fuck I gotta go, please let the bathroom be open." I walk up to the counter and of course its a cute lady working it about my age too, wearing a grey sweater and glasses was definitely the hottest looking you can be working at a non porn film pizza place. Before she evens says anything I'm cutting here off and going " Hey is your bathroom open?" She looked at me all confused almost as if she didn't hear me but she had to be thinking. "Did this guy really walk in here and up to my counter and not place an order and straight up asked is the bathroom open? " But I don't think she knew other places bathrooms where locked and off limits. " She confusedly responds "Yes it is" and points towards it.  I had to ask cuz I was making a one way trip down the hall towards the bathroom and the shot clock is counting down and fast. I didn't know if she was gonna have to give me a key or make me buy something, or it was closed off too. Cuz  it was about to be bad if she said no. Thank god it was did't want to learn what would of happened that day if it was not. 

I walk into the bathroom it looked and felt clean, spacious  

and was at least far enough away from the empty dinning room, for when my breakfast left my body angrily.  And my GOD WAS it angry, how do I say this normally. Screw it I'm going gross it was coming out before I even sat down and it was all kinda of poop liquid water, that edgy jagged looking soft one it was flooding out. Like there was no forcing it out cuz it was already out on its own. It was a big one too, my god I think I may have flushed twice before I even attempted a wipe. Of course it smelled awful in there. Wish I had a mask for that. But after I had survived the poop walk and was sure my bowels where empty, that everything was ok I sat in there for 2 reasons. 1) early on in my blogging days I knew, I should write this down to remember it, so I recall jotting down everything that happed cuz I knew this would one day make for a great and funny blog. and 2) I just couldn't go out there after that. Have to face the real world. The worse part is the place is empty, so you know that the workers know that you just bombed the bathroom, cleanly I add, cuz you came off the streets in a mad dash and straight to the bathroom and haven't come out in 15 mins. 

I was sacred to come out of that bathroom but my stomach was empty so at least I wasn't gonna shit my pants when I came into contact with someone. I knew I couldn't just leave after that and I had to support small local business. Walk up to the counter knowing that everyone poops but that it sucked that I had to. So I did not make eye contact with the Cute lady at the counter, almost put on sunglasses to hid the shame in my eyes but I stuck to the looking way like an awkward looser like usual . Ordered a slice even do I was so clearly not hungry. But took a few bites once I walked out not a bad slice have to give it a score of 5.9. Only a low score that if I every judged it again would be allowed movement only because of the circumstances. 

But that's my poop walk story. Feels good to finally let everyone know what had happened that afternoon.  I had been walking with this pit in my stomach for so long and what a relief now that its gone and that metaphor works on two levels.